2 of my school mates in my previous school died this year so I can't help but be preoccupied with the idea of death. They were both very young (18 years old) and I know for a fact that every single day their families, especially the mums, still weep for the loss of their sons. One of them is yet to find justice. Because of this, I'm reminded everyday that life is too short and that anyone could die any moment. I'm not stating this in a morbid way, I'm not suicidal. I just think about losing people, or myself dying. Whenever my mind just decides to float around, especially when I can't sleep at night, I think about "What if I suddenly disappeared?" "Who would come to my funeral?" "Would my internet friends ever find out?" "Would my family be the same?" I have no answers, but part of me thinks that my memory would be pushed to the side, something more troublesome than anything. "Oh, she had such potential," they would say before walking away and leaving me in the past.
I could die tonight, crossing a street in a city that does not know me. A car could come hurtling at me through the dark rainy night, with me completely and utterly alone. Eventually, my family would hear about the news and then my friends and school would be informed. Who would regret not saying goodbye? I would like to think old friends would feel a little sorrow, but somehow, I know they would not. I am just another stranger who happened to cross the wrong street on the wrong night.
I imagine losing people all the time, bloody car crashes and dramatic hospital scenes. I try to use this to make myself apperciate them more, for I can feel the overwhelming misery of being without them. This could be the last time I speak to a favourite teacher, my boyfriend or my best friend. Time does not stop, it moves on. Why must I run through life when I could walk and make the most of the time I have? Sometimes, I am overcome with the urge to hold someone tight before they go, to tell them I love them and that I need them to stay safe. I think I am strange.
When I think about ceasing to exist, my first worry is all the things I never said or did. Regrets, they are called. What if I died after my mum and I had a fight? I would hate for her to have to live with that guilt. Or, what if I promised to be there for someone, then left them when they needed me most? I imagine the fragility of him, how he only opens up to me. I do not want to die because there are too many people I am afraid to let down. I care too much, even for those who barely remember I exist.
I can look at you in the eye right now and tell you that I've changed so much; and that my perspectives in life have diverted into a different direction. I used to bottle up all my feelings and emotions and never tell people about it - boy, I'm so glad I changed. I let people know how I feel about them and how important they are to me. No, I'm not exaggerating. I tell my friend that my uni life (and life in general) would basically suck without him, and he tells me the same thing. Even though we see each other almost everyday, we never forget to say it because hey, it's such a nice feeling to know that you've made a big impact on someone else's life.
Life, as we know it, is only temporary. If I were to die unexpectedly, at least the people I love and cherish know that they've made my life journey pretty amazing. That's how I live my life right now and if you haven't started telling your loved ones all the things you want them to know, you need to get off your computer and tell them everything you wanna say. Life is short, tomorrow is never guaranteed, so what's stopping you from telling them?