I already posted a blog update about my self-esteem issues a couple of weeks ago; but today, I felt the need to talk about it again. Don't get me wrong, life in general is really great at the moment. I just find my insecurities crawling back in my head every now and then, especially when I'm applying at different jobs (at least whenever I try to.. I never click "send" anyways) For now, I'm totally fine with freelancing. I'm making a good amount of money by writing essays and being a virtual assistant. But what happens after I graduate? Surely, I need to start looking for a "real" job, and this is what I'm really scared of.
I never had a proper job. When I was in high school, all I did was tutor students who are having a hard time in English. They approached me and asked if I was interested in tutoring them since they really wanna pass high school and they're more comfortable being taught by someone who belongs in the same ethnicity as them. It went great, I had fun teaching them because it was a really fulfilling experience, and they're all in different universities now.
Now, you may wonder why I'm scared. I have a lot of reasons, but the main issue I have right now is that I have ZERO experience at all. I'm turning 19 next month and I've never even had a proper job. Most people in my age can already fill up their CV's with heaps of experiences and referees, and it depresses me every time I realise that. I feel like a total failure and so left behind, I wish I could turn back time and change that. I feel really embarrassed to even present my CV because there's nothing really important that's listed in there. Imagine an 18 year old applying for a job with no experience at all; if you were the employer, would you even take the time to read all the other stuff I've typed in there.? Yeah, I figured.
I know, I know. You wanna ask me why I never looked for a job. Well, here comes the second issue: I feel like no one will accept me. I have to be frank, I'm very very insecure with my appearance, especially with my height (I'm 5ft) No experience + not impressive appearance = overly insecure little me. I just can't bear the thought of being rejected because it really puts me down. I wish there's a cure for that, I would gladly splurge money on that cure as long as I can.
I'm surrounded by people who truly appreciates me, and I'm truly thankful for that. It's just that I won't have these people forever and I would have to face the REAL world someday, and that scares me.