How to be a perfect girlfriend!

Listen, peasants. Today, I'm going to share with you the ultimate steps on how to be the oh so perfect girlfriend (or wifey, whatever) You can thank me later... oh and btw, you're welcome.
Without further adieu, here are the simple steps:
1.) TEXT HIM EVERY 10 MINUTES - Men sure do love being nagged by their girl friends! Ask him where he is, who's with him, what time he's coming home, what he had for lunch, and any other question that you may have in mind. Do this until he gets home! This will prove how much you love and care about him.
2.) THROW A TANTRUM WHENEVER A GIRL LIKES HIS STATUS ON FACEBOOK -  So some bitch liked his status about getting a new car, don't tell me you're just going to sit back and relax? Show your other half that you are so upset about it! You're the only girl who's allowed to like everything he posts on Facebook, that other girl was waaaay out of line. Don't be scared, this only shows that you really do like your boyfriend - and he secretly likes that.
3.) ALWAYS EXPECT HIM TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING - Girls should NEVER pay for anything, especially when they're on a date! It's the men's job to pay for every single thing that girls buy, duh? If he lets YOU pay for any thing at all, that means he's totally not worth it... and he doesn't love you. 
4.) DON'T BE A KILL JOY, MEN LOVE PLAYING PSYCHIC! DON'T TELL HIM WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND! - Seriously, if you're the type of girl who tells her man why you're upset, you're doing it wrong. You should let your man guess wtf is going on, it shows that he truly knows and cares about you. Men love suspense, so don't ruin it for them! Even if it takes a lot of yelling and fighting and silent treatment, don't say anything. Got it?
5.) "CHOOSE ONE: ME OR THAT FREAKING GAME?" - Right after saying this, your man will surely realise how much you really love him. You're jealous of a fucking game for Christ's sake! Of course he'll choose you, he's just waiting for you to react. Trust me, this will bring your relationship to a whole new level. Congratulations!
6.) COMPARE HIM TO EVERY SINGLE GUY YOU DATED/SLEPT WITH - Guys really appreciate it when their girlfriends compare them to other men. This is a competition about everything, after all. Tell your man how your ex boyfriend made you scream and tremble in bed, and how great your sex life used to be. I'm pretty sure he'll smile at you and say "Thanks hun, I really love you for telling me that. I will be better next time. Don't worry, I'm not insecure nor mad!"
7.) BAN HIM FROM WATCHING PORN! THAT'S CHEATING! - As his girlfriend, you are allowed to go through his web history. If some flithy websites come up, confront and accuse him of cheating! This will make your man realise that you really care about your future, that you don't want to spend your life with anyone else but him. This will also indicate that you're possessive, which means you're a total keeper! 
8.) DON'T BOTHER ABOUT YOUR LOOKS/HYGIENE AT ALL - Even if you don't shave and brush your teeth for days, it doesn't matter if your man truly loves you. Hell, you can wear granny panties and let yourself look greasy because he loves you for who you are! Men don't have needs, it's totally unnecessary for you to tidy up yourself. 
9.) ALWAYS LET HIM PLAN OUT YOUR DATES - Men don't like it when women tell them what they want to do on dates, it totally hurts their ego!!! Men only ask women what they want to do as a sign of respect... or they're just really running out of things to talk about. But really, they don't need your opinion. Shut the fuck up and let them plan out everything. 
10.) PLAY DUMB, IT'S SOOOOO CUTE! - Men don't like it when they have smart girlfriends, it makes them feel inferior. Pretend that you don't know this and that, it really makes you look so adorable :) If you are naturally dumb, flaunt it! "OMG! Who's this Adolf Hitler guy that everyone hates? He looks like my grandfather." +100 points for you girl! 

Are there any other tips that you would like to share?

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